Anyone that has met me would tell you I’m a happy-go-lucky, confident, outgoing person who doesn’t give a shit what people think of me.
Anyone that knows me can tell you that’s simply not true.
My life has actually been punctuated by some random bleak episodes (I like to call it crashing) and an underlying sense of not quite being good enough, not belonging to any one social group and always thinking people are bored or annoyed by me.
I have never been to the Doctors about it, never taken anti-depressants and never felt the need to be formally diagnosed as depressed, I’m an incredibly private person and also a very proud one. But every now and then, life gets too much for my brain and all I can do to fix it is to crash (I think of my brain like a computer, if it’s overloaded with information it stops functioning properly and sometimes the only way to deal with it is to shut it down and restart it later). During these periods I like to alienate myself from everyone around me and simply go to bed.
In my previous life as an employee I could happily call in sick and take a few days off. As a freelancer (and one that works predominantly in other people’s offices) this is not so easy. Letting people down, misreading a brief, forgetting to do things or missing deadlines are not just gonna get me shouted at by my boss; it’s probably going to lead to me not doing any more work for them, not earning any money, not being able to pay my bills and ultimately starving to death on the streets*.
*I realise this is an exaggeration but I think it outlines the additional anxiety of being ones own boss.
Creativity and depression (and alcoholism for that matter *hic*) have always gone hand in hand, submitting a design to someone is the ultimate test in confidence. You’re basically offering up your heart and soul for a battering. But as an artist dahhhling, I also know that expressing your feelings in some kind of creative medium, particularly if you are too emotionally retarded to do this in real life, can be the most cathartic thing in the world.
So thanks for reading, know that I’m alright hun and don’t take this as a cry for help (cos I fucking hate drama). I merely wanted this to strike a chord with the people that feel the same way sometimes and hopefully make them feel less odd about it.
And if I work for you, know that normal service has
resumed never been affected!
You’re only given a little spark of madness… you musn’t lose it.Robin Williams